Sunday, September 29, 2013

i was a cutter, and it wasn't for attention !!!!!

i was a cutter as a young teen, i started cutting at the age of 13, i can thankfully say at this point in my life, i don't have many scars, i have very few, the first time i told any one i was a cutter, i told my mother, all she had to say about it was you shouldn't do that for a attention. i was sad to think my mother thought this. i found out many years later that she had done the same things to her own body, as time went on i still cut, i cut from the time i was 13 till the time i was 27 years old, may things had happened to me in my life that made me feel like i needed to cut, from being alone in the world to being raped in 2000. i felt trapped in my own body,i felt as if no one understood me or even cared. i did try to commit suicide. ( 6 times actually). i want to tell my story due to the fact there are more and more people out there feeling the same kinda pain,i had a long road to recovery, and i had to be strong even when it was hard. i don't want to see others go threw this, it took me 19 years to over come my problem with cutting, i really want to help others before its 2 late. i over came my cutting in a way that took a long time and i found my husband on that journey, when he first saw me cut, it was hard for him, i did try to hide it as i had so many times before with everyone else around me. but he saw the cuts on my back, He wasent mad, he was sad, sad to see that i felt that much pain deep in side that i had to do this to my self, i figured he would just leave. ( who wants something broken any way) but my husband cleaned my back and bandaged me, he didn't look at me like i was broken. i asked him if he was going to leave m now? all he said was why would i leave you? your hurt, and in pain. you need my help, and i love you. as strange as that sounds. this was one of my steps of recovery, seeing some one cared about me, not what i had to offer them, not what i could do for them, but loved me just for who iam. nothing more or less. cutting is not for attention, people cute for many reasons. my cutting was like a release of all the emotions i held in side, all the hobblie things people would say to me, all the dirty looks, all the dreadful things that happened to me. it was my only way of emotional release. i want to help others like myself, so iam going to look for a program to donate to and iam going to make a nail polish. x amount of money will go towards the program, and help young teens and adult deal with this illness. the pitchure at the top of the butterflie, was a a cover up, underneath the butterflie is a large scar, and then my homedone tattto over it, it looks bad, http://eqi.org/cutting1.htm
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